A lesson in WILLPOWER (aka what not to say to a pregnant lady, part III)

First - Happy third anniversary to my hubby! Best three years of my life:)!

I've come to the conclusion that there are a ridiculously large number of people in this world who may need to listen to the above dc talk track on repeat. There is apparently something about being around a pregnant woman that causes people to forget about WILLPOWER, throw appropriate social etiquette out the window, and instead think that every thought they have is worthy of being shared with the person they're having the thought about. I would offer that pregnancy brain is something that happens to non-pregnant people (men AND women, even those who have carried and given birth to their own children) when in the presence of any and all pregnant women.

I am continually amazed by the rude, inconsiderate, and inappropriate things people will say when under the influence of "pregnancy brain" that I have always known from a young age to be unacceptable in any situation. I had no idea so many parents did not teach their children that it is ALWAYS inappropriate and/or unkind to intentionally point out things to people that they cannot change. For instance, it will always be rude and cruel to make jokes about a person's height, weight, lack of hair, or any other physical trait that is no one else's darn business (and it makes you a BULLY)! It was wrong for kids on the playground to call me 'shrimp' in elementary school, it's wrong to continually make jokes at the expense of a man who is not as tall as some or has less hair than others, and it is WRONG to continually operate under the influence of pregnancy brain simply because you're around someone who is pregnant!

Let me preface this final installment of "the list" by saying that I attend a church I love - the church I grew up in. Because of this, I am quite aware that the people I see each week are invested in the lives of myself and my husband. I know that they care. I also know that I am living in a fishbowl. I know that while we were dating, if I happened to not be sitting next to my now husband during church, by the end of the church service there were people telling my mom that we had broken up. I know that we fielded questions on a weekly basis about when/if we were going to get married. When we got married, I know that I was again asked on a weekly basis when we were going to have children (NOTE: Asking a young couple when they are going to have children or implying that they need to "Get on with it" is NEVER appropriate - (a) it's NONE of your business, you're not the one who will be carrying, giving birth to, and parenting the child for the next few decades, and (b) how do you know they're not already trying and not having success? HOLD YOUR TONGUE!). I know that I was asked incredibly personal questions while I was in the bathroom (seriously, who in their right mind thinks that's an appropriate place to ask anyone a question?!). Again, I get that people care. I like that they care. I just wish they would keep most of those caring thoughts to themselves and choose not to express them in question form on a weekly basis.

The other reason being peppered with these ridiculous questions is so offensive to me is that I am a very private person, as is my husband. I don't feel the need to share every aspect of my life (or body!) with the world at large, and I don't enjoy feeling pressured to do so simply because someone had the nerve to actually ask the question out loud. If I haven't said it, I probably have a good reason!

Without further ado, my final 'what not to say' entry...

• 
  
  If a pregnant woman walks into a room, do not ask her what she's doing there (especially if she was due any day prior to the day you're asking the question). If she doesn't rip your head off (lucky you!), she will inform you that she is going to the bathroom (since that's clearly where she was headed) and may even ask what YOU are doing there!



• 
  
  If a pregnant woman is still pregnant (after her due date), do not tell her that you know how she feels, even if you are a woman who carried any or all of your children past your due date. It won't make her feel better at that moment, and you should hold your tongue until AFTER her child has arrived.



• 
  
  Do not tell a pregnant woman (pre or post due date) that she looks "so pregnant." She will want to slap you.



• 
  
  If you have just had a conversation with a pregnant and post-due woman's also pregnant and post-due BFF in which she informed you of both of their due dates and specifically told you that the other woman would probably not want to be asked the same question, do not then take the first opportunity to sit next to the other pregnant woman and ask her when her due date is (which you already know was last week) and to then say "Wow, you look really big, you must be miserable!" She will pause (while holding back tears, a look of hatred, or both) and will inform you that she did not feel "big" until you said that.



• 
  
  Do not HOVER. This is one of my biggest pet peeves - if you feel that you NEED to share something with or ask something of another human being who is currently engaged in a conversation with another person, do not sidle up to those people, stare at the person you want to converse with (while ignoring and attempting to push out the person he/she is already having a conversation with) and wait impatiently for an opportunity to push the other (and clearly less important to you!) person out of the way so you can ask your amazing question or share your brilliant thought. The person you are hovering around will be even more motivated to NOT look at you and will not be receptive to what you have to say. Most of all, behavior like this was not acceptable for your children - why would it suddenly be acceptable for you as a grown-up?



• 
  
  Do not make jokes about not wanting to have to deliver a baby "here" or to imply that the pregnant woman is going to have a baby in your presence. She's not, and that's just awkward. Keep that thought to yourself.



• 
  
  Do not in any way, shape, or form tell the pregnant and post-due woman to "get on with it!" First, she has no control over when her baby shows up (or did you forget that already?), and second, she is more than aware that her baby is not here yet, and she does NOT need any additional pressure from YOU! (And if you say it on facebook, she just might remove you as a friend to avoid having to be subject to those comments)



• 
  
  Do not ask a pregnant and post-due woman if she is "ready" - she has been asked this millions of times that day alone, and if she doesn't sock you in the face, consider yourself lucky.



• 
  
  Do not tell a pregnant and/or pregnant and post-due woman that she looks like she's about to burst, or that she swallowed a basketball, or make any other comment about the size or relative size of her belly. She's the one who gets dressed every morning and walks around all day long. She doesn't need your help to feel big, nor does she need to be reminded that OTHER people think she looks big.



• 
  
  Do not tell a pregnant woman that she is the "same size" as her pregnant SIL and her SIL's BFF who are 9 weeks ahead of her. You will make her CRY. Do I really need to point out why that is inappropriate?!



• 
  
  Do NOT ask a pregnant woman or her husband whether they have names picked out. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. Maybe they wouldn't tell you if they did!



• 
  
  Do NOT put your hand on a pregnant woman's stomach uninvited (this is a re-print due to additional infractions). She doesn't want you to touch her belly and will actually tell you so. Sometimes it's actually painful for you to do so...and she might reach out and touch YOURS!



• 
  
  Do NOT, under any circumstances, tell a pregnant and/or pregnant and post-due woman that you are "waiting" - what the heck do you think SHE'S doing?!?



• 
  
  Do NOT call a pregnant and post-due woman up just because you're curious as to whether she's had her baby yet - she knows why you're really calling, and she may just not answer...which does NOT mean that she's on her way to the hospital (she could be napping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, etc., or her phone could be on vibrate - assumptions are dangerous).



• 
  
  Do NOT ask a pregnant woman how much weight she's gained. She'll ask you how much weight YOU'VE gained.



• 
  
  Do NOT march up to a pregnant and post-due woman and demand to know whether she got her dates mixed up (she'll say NO if she says anything at all), then demand to know whether "they" are going to "schedule" anything (she'll tell you that you'll find out when everyone else does), and then continue to demand that she tell you whether they're going to do an induction. After the third and final straw, she will inform you that you are the eight millionth person to ask the same question today, which she is not answering, and will tell you that she will ignore all similar questions until the asker walks away. If you then walk up to her husband and tell him that you may have asked his wife the wrong question, he will tell you that you probably did, because he's a smart cookie and knows his wife. A pregnant woman will not be intimidated by demanding personalities - she's been carrying around a demanding child for 40+ weeks and will then have the rest of her life to deal with that same demanding child - you don't scare her!



• 
  
  Before you say ANYTHING to a pregnant woman, take a pregnant pause (pun intended). Ask yourself (a) whether you have the kind of relationship with the woman where you can ask or say whatever it is you're about to ask/say, (b) whether you would want her to say or ask the same thing to or of you if the situations were reversed, and (c) whether you are the ONLY person who will ask or say the same thing of or to her that day. If the answer to ANY of those items is "no," then you should keep your thoughts to yourself and meditate on Ephesians 4:29.

If people knew how I spent all of Saturday dreading the comments I would receive Sunday morning (and praying that I would be able to make it through the morning without biting someone's head off or breaking down in tears), which included asking my husband and my BFF to help me to NOT do either of those things, perhaps they would have chosen to instead just smile, say hello, and keep their pregnancy comments to themselves. The baby will be here eventually (as far as I know, they have to arrive at some point), and you can shower it with all the love you want then, but in the meantime, be considerate of a pregnant woman's hormones and keep your mouth shut.

I can't wait to meet my BFF's little boy, Grayson James, who was born yesterday - and then there was one (and no, I don't need anyone to remind me that they are "just waiting on me now," although I anticipate hearing it - I'm praying that those people read this post before they run into me!)!

A dear friend from church who has been through a similar situation shared a verse and a thought with me this weekend that really lifted my spirits...hopefully she won't mind if I share it with the world here:):

Proverbs 10:19 (LB)

Don't talk so much.
You keep putting your foot in your mouth.
Be sensible &
Turn off the flow.

This verse refers to the people who are offering material to your "list." It cannot refer to you as there is no way you could put your foot in your mouth. (HA:)!)